I intentionally keep my private life off social media but as some of you may already know, I gave birth to my first child a year ago.
I decided to take quite an uncommon / unpopular road throughout this period of my life by having no medical involvement during both my pregnancy and birth, and yet to me, it was a completely natural process and in absolute accordance with how I've always lived.
I've had some very interesting conversations over the last few years, both during my pregnancy and then since my son was born. Some totally unsolicited, and some very much welcomed. What I saw repeatedly was that there is a lot of fear surrounding women and birth, and a lot of trauma , realised or not. One stat I read stated that more women are diagnosed with PTSD than soldiers coming back from war! This was a big motivation for how I chose to navigate this chapter of my existence, as I shed my maiden self and made the transformation to a mother.
After receiving a lot of questions and enquires with people curious how I did it I’ve decided to share a bit about my journey, my choices, my whys, and also what has helped me along the way both during pregnancy and now more recently in my first year postpartum.
Not in any way to convince anyone to choose the same, but perhaps to serve as a possibility to consider that birthing alone is possible and that pregnancy doesn’t not need to be treated medically.
“The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.”
I've never taken the easy road. In everything I’ve chosen for myself since being a child I feel my Aries nature has in some level craved a challenge. Acting and television, Maths for a level (still not sure what I was thinking for that one!), a move alone to Thailand , then Honduras , Canada, and India and Dubai with no real plan in mind. Now with my little family more recently to Spain. I’m not a thrill seeker by any means, but I do like taking leaps of faith, and over the years it’s allowed me to trust more and more that the universe consistently has my back, and I have an inate wisdom that I know what is best for me.
I should mention here that I feel very fortunate that I was brought up with the tools to build this self confidence. Always encouraged to try and see. Always supported in my choices and never judged. I recognise now in my adulthood what a blessing this has been when making the choices I have, and steadfastly persevering to achieve them head on.
It’s also worth noting I think, that I’ve never been part if the medical system. I was brought up homeopathically by my mother and I have never taken a course of antibiotics. I wasn't vaccinated as a child, and I was never seriously sick as a child, and never needed hospitalisation. I caught most childhood dis-eases ( measles, chicken pox, rubella, whooping cough), and healed naturally without the help or intervention of medicine. Unlike most of my friends I never went on birth control either. I never took painkillers for my periods through my teens and only a handful of times in my 20s.
I did smoke, and drink (neither in excess), until I went to India in Jan 2008 and quit everything overnight. I didn't drink for 9 years after that (now very rarely) and never went back to smoking.
Why then really would my pregnancy be any different to how I've always lived? Embodying full responsibility for my body and my health. This coupled with my practice of Yoga for the last 23 years, of learning about my body, mind, and spirit meant I felt prepared to embody what I’d learnt, and preached myself to my students over the years. I guess in some ways this felt like a rite of passage, a chance to live my Sadhana rather than simply practice it.
Therefore, when I found out I was pregnant in July 2021, I trusted. I trusted that my whole soul knew how to grow and protect my child and in turn my child's soul knew how to grow and protect me.
Before this I hadn’t really considered how I’d navigate my pregnancy, or where I’d give birth but as soon as I knew I was pregnant I also wholeheartedly knew that I wasn’t going to partake in the medical system. And so , I took another leap. One that I was fully confident I would land safely from. There was no other path for me. This was how it would be. I was not afraid and I choose to not allow a medical system to make me so.
As I dove deeper into the world of pregnancy and birth and postpartum, everything I read, listened to and studied affirmed this. The studies and stats on home births vs those in a hospital setting just confirmed to me that I would not be going to the hospital to have my baby.
I knew that the less a mammal is disturbed the better the birth goes. The less the physiological process is left to work. The better it goes. So I decided to walk this path and have my baby, at home.
The next 10 months were an interesting ride. The first trimester felt like a great purge, with me battling daily morning sickness. I really did feel like I was expelling something from the depth of my soul, and healing past wounds. Even though I didn’t know the sex of my baby at the time, I thought a lot about the divine Masculine at this time, the non existent relationship I have with my own father, and the tender loving support I received from my own husband. In hindsight I think now how obvious it was that I was having a boy. The second trimester I had more energy and was happy to start teaching group classes regularly again, and moving my body as much as possible. In the final trimester I tried to slow down, sleep was elusive some nights, I did as much Yoga as possible and worked on getting my mind, and life, ready for both birth and baby.
During this time I only went to see an OBGYN to have a file opened. The first appointment I had was when I was almost 20 weeks. I refused all tests, even weighing me was off the table. We refused all routine scans and tests, and I asked the doctor to physically palpate me to estimate babies size and position. She said she hadn’t don’t that since medical school! I agreed to one placenta positioning scan at 27 weeks, which my husband timed, much to the nurses and sonographers dismay. 1 min 50 secs exactly. We asked them to switch off the shared screen and I disliked every moment.
“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together,but do so with all your heart.”
Wednesday 23rd of March
At 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant, at 5pm I had a reflexology massage at my house.
Earlier that week I’d decided Thursday would be my last day of work and I’d start to settle down and prep for the birth. Which I’m sure now created a subconscious letting go of sorts, signaling to my body to create the wave of what came next.
I told the woman I wasn’t in a rush to birth and that baby would come when ready, that to me, due dates are entirely arbitrary and pretty meaningless, so I was in no way looking to speed up my pregnancy. She said she’d give me a very light massage and if I wanted her back in a week or so she’d come and help move things along.
It was the most relaxing massage I’d ever gotten. I love reflexology and after not having one throughout my pregnancy I was on cloud nine. I went to shower after she’d left and once out the shower I got the most intense spasm. Not a flutter. Not a tweak. A full on hold the wall woah feeling.
I messaged my husband and a close friend who both said it might be from the oxytocin of the massage and hot shower and just to see how I go. My husband was home about 10 mins later and the contractions continued.
I just about managed some dinner and then for the next 12 hours I had contractions every 1.5 mins lasting for 20 seconds. I could not sleep, I could not lie down, I could not focus on anything else. I almost thought, wow this baby is going to come so fast if I’m already feeling this much. No where whatsoever did I have the experiences I’d read so much of Ina May Gaskin’s books where women go on a walk, or back to sleep, or watch a film. That was not even a remote possibility for me.
I laboured like this alone in the dark all night. I’d told my husband to sleep so we weren’t both wreaked and that I’d wake him if needed.
Thursday 24th March
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
At 6.30 am my mucus plug came and the contractions kicked up a gear to every 2 min but for 30-40seconds. It was getting more intense and I could only stand or kneel but not lie down.
I continued like this all day. In and out of a hot shower. I’d stand there until I felt almost faint from the hot water but the sensation of heat soothed me.
By 6pm I thought I’d entered second stage as they are longer and stronger than before and I start feeling more pressure pushing down. This continues all night though without change. I listen to Native American music. I listen to affirmations. I read my affirmations. I get No rest. I get No sleep.
Friday 25th March
“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
By the morning I’m truly feeling the need to push into something but it feels like I’m trying to push open the gates of heaven with my nose. In other words I’m pushing into what feels like an impossible place.
Now I’m exhausted, and for the first time I’m fearful. I can’t understand what is taking so long. I’m a yogi, I chose this, I feel ready, I’m in the best environment for my body and mind. What am I resisting? What is baby resisting? Despite being told by two people I worked with prior to expect a 3 day labour, with my my birth being my first as well as at home, I didn’t believe them. In fact I think my husband and I joked that my proficiency in asana would mean the baby would come super fast. Yet here I was ,30 or so hours later, and I felt like I was failing.
I was also told I’d possibly reach this point of wanting to give up. That I’d feel like I wanted to escape and run away. I don’t remember praying to God, although I’m sure I did. I don’t remember wishing it would end. Also though I’m sure I did. I think all of that was true and yet I also knew somewhere that this was how it was meant to be. I was meant to walk through this portal of fear and emerge re born on the other side.
What I did become aware of at this point was that there was also No movement from the baby. Despite knowing this was very common it increased the feeling of doubt in my ability.
I was trying to be strong and focused but I felt utterly felt weak. I hadn’t eaten (apart from a few bites of banana and apple) because I had no appetite, but this weakness was more a mental one. I was aware of the need to surrender and yet something was holding me back. I needed to communicate with my child but I felt like at this point I couldn’t even decipher between whether it was my mental Maya mind creating fear or my baby telling me they needed help.
I had to dig deep at this point. Deeper than I’d ever dug before. Deeper than any intense practice, or meditation. Deep than any emotional heartbreak or feeling of despair.
And so I got out my shovel and agreed to be alone. Alone in the room. In the semi darkness. With just my baby and my breath.
I’m alone in my room and I look ahead out the doorway, I remember seeing the plant in the hallway and thinking how beautiful to just be a plant and not have the suffering us humans create. It just is, it doesn’t wish itself to be anything other. It just accepts itself fully. Yet here I am birthing a new soul, and instead of choosing suffering and pain I could also easily choose bliss and surrender. Isvarapranidhana.
I focus on my breath and talk to my child. I ask clearly if my fear is because there’s something wrong or because my mind is Prakriti, and out of no where my water breaks. Abruptly. Like a tidal wave of letting go. Like another layer shed from my being. Like a song for coming back to trust. As if my baby knew I needed to hear it was all ok. And of course. My baby did know, and so did I.
And then again nothing. For what seems like a lifetime of gripping and working through and digging more and hitting stones, but this time with less mental suffering and far more acceptance.
At this point I get my fetal scope as for the first time in my whole pregnancy I have an urge to hear a heartbeat. Again this is doubt and fear. I recognise it for what it is but I still want to listen. I hear it and it gives me pause for a moment and a reminder that it’s not just me giving birth but also my child being birthed. That no matter how quickly I want it to go there’s another soul navigating this portal too. The two of us dancing together, weaving more of the story as we have been for the last 10 months, or lifetimes. After all why rush this when we both know all is meant to be as it is?
I float between these two worlds. Of knowing and not knowing. Of full confidence and acceptance and utter confusion and mistrust. I talk about going to the hospital because I'm pushing into nothing. I know I won’t go, but I need to talk about it out loud to know that. I’m reminded of the story my Swami tells of hanging a rope over a tree in the day, and at night you look out the window and think it’s a snake. You know it isn’t because you know you hung it there, but you have to take a moment to remind yourself.
Honestly though I feel utterly broken. After this long my knees hurt I can't lie down I can't stand I can't kneel anymore. It’s been 43 hours.
The shower helps but the contractions come again and again.
Around 2pm I realise I’m choosing this. I’m holding on. To what? A fear of letting go. Of what? My old self? My maiden? My life and all that I think it is? I read about the third generation child is the one the breaks trauma. As a woman we carry our grandmothers and our mothers. Was this my process of breaking the cycle of the last two generations. I think it was. Who knows, maybe it was none of these things, maybe it was all of them. I did feel though that I was in a battle. Tried and weary my sword was getting heavier with every passing moment and yet I couldn't put it down. This was my Dharma.
“Perform all thy actions with mind concentrated on the Divine, renouncing attachment and looking upon success and failure with an equal eye. Spirituality implies equanimity”
I stop bearing down and I attempt to fully relax instead. It isn’t easy. My body wants it over. So does my mind. But somewhere I know that I need to surrender myself. Finally. Fully. I am ready.
My husband sit supporting me and takes me on a journey of hypnotherapy for 2hrs. I’m almost passing out between contractions. I manage to relax into just over half of them but sometimes the urge is too strong and I hold him, the bed, myself. I’m outside my body looking at myself. My Purusha forever the silent observer is just witnessing as Prakriti tells Prakriti to Let. It. All. Go.
I go to the bathroom and I feel as if my insides are coming out, and as I jump in the shower I feel the head drop down. Hard and solid in my pelvis.
In no time I’m on the floor by the bed. Kneeling and then half kneeling and half squatting. My body takes over. My mind no longer trying to make something happen. It just is.
I feel the head coming out and almost going back between contractions. I laugh, I shout, I don’t hold back as neither does my baby who is born after a mere 35 mins of pushing. This feels like a spec in time after what we’ve experienced. He is born at 5.32pm and we are immediately hit by this feeling of love. I hold him and my heart starts expanding, growing with every breath.
The placenta is happily still inside and doesn’t seem ready to release, so I eat while holding my child who is still connected to me inside, and who always will be connected.
A few hours later I yoni steam which feels like the most wonderful gift, and as I get off the stool I squat and the placenta releases seamlessly. No effort at all. It just came when it needed to. Just like my babe.
We rest for about 30 mins or so, and at 9.30pm I sit in the back of my car. Son in my arms, and placenta in a salad bowl to drive to the hospital to get our papers.
The End.
Or really…. The Beginning
“Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look.”
“The happiness which comes from long practice, which leads to the end of suffering, which at first is like poison, but at last like nectar - this kind of happiness arises from the serenity of one’s own mind.”
Here are some valuable resources & protocols that helped me immensely:
Yoga (not in the first trimester at all but second and third).
Acupuncture
Lymphatic massage
Meat
Good quality dairy
Dates
Fruit and veg
Magnesium
Liver capsules
Reading the following:
Ina May Gaskin, Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering, Pushed , The Nature of Birth and Breastfeeding, The Womanly Art Of Breastfeeding
Having birth education by women from The Freebirth Society
Freebirth Society podcast
Down to Birth Podcast
The following accounts on social media:
Jennie hoglund
The Holistic Mother
Toxin Free Tay
Weston a price
Yolanda Norris Clark
Tommo Littlewood
Brands I used for myself and the house:
Grown Alchemist
Innercense
Earthly
Earth mama
California Baby
Attitude
Dr Brite toothpaste
EMF Bump protector blanket
Turnoff wifi and change phone outside bedroom and put on airplane mode
Red light
Laughter and hugs and love. Seriously this stuff makes everything better
Bump pillow
Things I avoided:
Caffeine
Toxic beauty and cleaning products (Fragrance of any kind)
Processed food
“My maiden death I am dying. A slow and steady death. Of who I’ve been. Of who I’ve grown into. Of my maiden self. I know there’s someone else just on the other side.
The mother me waits there with her arms open wide. Ready to embrace me and my baby. Ready to take us down this new road of matriarch.
With innate instinct and a deep knowledge of what we both need. If I close my eyes and ears I can hear her calling me. Telling me to not be afraid and just step through. Reassuring me that it’s beautiful over there. Safe. Loving. Knowing.
And still I cry. I cry as each part of the maiden falls away. Before getting pregnant I kept seeing butterflies. The animal that epitomizes rebirth and shedding. Of the new. Of the reborn.
In the first trimester I purged from deep in my gut. I purged fear. I purged not being worthy.
In the second I got up off the floor and stood tall. From here I purged from my heart. I let go of past wrongs. Of anger that I’d held for years that I knew did not serve me, and would not serve the soul inside me that was blooming.
And then in the third I returned to the earth. To bed down. To let our a deep sigh and purge my ego. To surrender to what was to come.
And still I cried. I cried tears here of both joy and sadness in equal measure. Immense joy that I am to be blessed with a child and the sadness that nothjng would ever be the same. That I would never be the same. My mind and my ego cried for the unknown, but my soul cried for the happiness that it knew would come in its place. It was a death. My maiden death. But instead of Grief I feel Joy. ”